Monday, March 10, 2014


not our house…but my spirit…

Exhaustion…less motivation…frustration/cynicism/negative emotions…difficulty focusing…slipping performance (less efficiency).  These are some of the symptoms I have been experiencing.  The diagnosis is fairly elementary: burn out.

I must also consider whether this is depression.  I have found myself crying on my long drives to and from work (not at all characteristic for me).  My observation is that I still find joy in my devotion to my family (providing food, cleaning, chauffeuring, attending kids' activities, etc.) but I think I am burned out in regard to the practice of medicine.  

I also accept that my heart is somewhat sick since the adoption fell through.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick," the Proverbs proclaim.  I think I am slowly healing.  I definitely accept the outcome of our adoption attempt to be God's will.  As part of the process of accepting this loss, I have tried to STOP HOPING to adopt girls.  After all, what if it is not God's will for our family?  And yet, I am not able to let it go.

So, what shall I do about this burn out and heartache?  First, I am cutting back on my work hours (thankful for the grace of others where I work), and then I am seeking counsel (already from many friends, but also from a professional).  I know that God is good.  We each get our chance to walk through dark places…to hold onto the LORD.  I believe that my brokenness is no surprise to God.  He still has a good grip on my hand; I just cannot see where we are going.

When I saw the picture at the top of this blog today, I remembered the HOPE that I felt right after the fire.  I did not know what I was hoping for…I simply had a strong sense of HOPE, as a gift.  Recently, I have lost my grip on that hope; I do not know where it has gone.  Still, I have known God in our light days, and I will know Him even better in these darker days.

I am so thankful for my faithful family (the five guys I live with, as well as all of our "family" who pray with us and do life with us) as I walk this new terrain in my journey.