not our house…but my spirit…
Exhaustion…less motivation…frustration/cynicism/negative emotions…difficulty focusing…slipping performance (less efficiency). These are some of the symptoms I have been experiencing. The diagnosis is fairly elementary: burn out.
I must also consider whether this is depression. I have found myself crying on my long drives to and from work (not at all characteristic for me). My observation is that I still find joy in my devotion to my family (providing food, cleaning, chauffeuring, attending kids' activities, etc.) but I think I am burned out in regard to the practice of medicine.
I also accept that my heart is somewhat sick since the adoption fell through. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick," the Proverbs proclaim. I think I am slowly healing. I definitely accept the outcome of our adoption attempt to be God's will. As part of the process of accepting this loss, I have tried to STOP HOPING to adopt girls. After all, what if it is not God's will for our family? And yet, I am not able to let it go.
So, what shall I do about this burn out and heartache? First, I am cutting back on my work hours (thankful for the grace of others where I work), and then I am seeking counsel (already from many friends, but also from a professional). I know that God is good. We each get our chance to walk through dark places…to hold onto the LORD. I believe that my brokenness is no surprise to God. He still has a good grip on my hand; I just cannot see where we are going.
When I saw the picture at the top of this blog today, I remembered the HOPE that I felt right after the fire. I did not know what I was hoping for…I simply had a strong sense of HOPE, as a gift. Recently, I have lost my grip on that hope; I do not know where it has gone. Still, I have known God in our light days, and I will know Him even better in these darker days.
I am so thankful for my faithful family (the five guys I live with, as well as all of our "family" who pray with us and do life with us) as I walk this new terrain in my journey.