HE MAKES ME LIE DOWN

The LORD is my Shepherd; I shall not want.

He MAKES ME lie down in green pastures.  He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.  (Psalm 23: 1-3a)

This is my current theme.  A year and a half ago, our house burned down…and we started over.  Simple.

In the last year, much has changed: 

Our ministry in Nepal shifted; will we return?  No answer.

I burned out in my job; will I work in medicine again?  No answer.

We attempted two different adoption situations: those children were not ours to raise; will we adopt?  No answer.

We have very few answers.  Dave and I have found time recently to walk and pray on a daily basis.  This is a pure gift.  We do not know where we are going, but we do sense that God has a very specific destination in mind.  We do not know what it is; our small minds struggle to discern God’s plan.  Still PEACE rests upon our souls.

We are not skilled at resting.  Yet, it seems that God has ordained a rest for us.  Particularly Kimberly:  I feel that He has MADE ME lie down in green pastures.  I am accepting this as a gift.  And yet, I find it a discipline to be learned.  I WAIT upon the LORD…for no particular thing or plan, just the small still voice of direction whenever He deems that I should get up from this place where I perceive Him restoring my soul.

For those who don’t know, I was burning out at my job…I was developing physical symptoms that were concerning... and now I am not working.  I was encouraged to seek counsel and a medical evaluation.  So far, the medical tests do not reveal any particular disorder or illness.  I believe I simply became worn out beyond my ability to carry on; I needed rest.  I am finding that rest, and my symptoms are resolving.  I will continue with counsel, seeking to better understand why I sometimes drive myself so hard.

Some things have remained the same: I still live with five great guys: one is a man….the four others are in various stages of becoming men.  There is so much to discuss and to explore at this stage of life, with three teenagers in the house.  It is a blessing to have time to appreciate this stage of life.

So, now you know…

Kimberly

BURN OUT...

not our house…but my spirit…

Exhaustion…less motivation…frustration/cynicism/negative emotions…difficulty focusing…slipping performance (less efficiency).  These are some of the symptoms I have been experiencing.  The diagnosis is fairly elementary: burn out.

I must also consider whether this is depression.  I have found myself crying on my long drives to and from work (not at all characteristic for me).  My observation is that I still find joy in my devotion to my family (providing food, cleaning, chauffeuring, attending kids' activities, etc.) but I think I am burned out in regard to the practice of medicine.  

I also accept that my heart is somewhat sick since the adoption fell through.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick," the Proverbs proclaim.  I think I am slowly healing.  I definitely accept the outcome of our adoption attempt to be God's will.  As part of the process of accepting this loss, I have tried to STOP HOPING to adopt girls.  After all, what if it is not God's will for our family?  And yet, I am not able to let it go.

So, what shall I do about this burn out and heartache?  First, I am cutting back on my work hours (thankful for the grace of others where I work), and then I am seeking counsel (already from many friends, but also from a professional).  I know that God is good.  We each get our chance to walk through dark places…to hold onto the LORD.  I believe that my brokenness is no surprise to God.  He still has a good grip on my hand; I just cannot see where we are going.

When I saw the picture at the top of this blog today, I remembered the HOPE that I felt right after the fire.  I did not know what I was hoping for…I simply had a strong sense of HOPE, as a gift.  Recently, I have lost my grip on that hope; I do not know where it has gone.  Still, I have known God in our light days, and I will know Him even better in these darker days.

I am so thankful for my faithful family (the five guys I live with, as well as all of our "family" who pray with us and do life with us) as I walk this new terrain in my journey.

Kimberly

A Year of Loss: the enlarging of my heart

It has been some time since I have posted any thoughts on this blog.  The time represents my space for healing.  Healing from what?…from the gaping hole left in my heart where once dwelt a dream of mothering a daughter.  Really, we have had some significant losses in the past year: a house...to fire, a beloved ministry in Nepal…the the winds of change, a baby girl…to a different plan.  We also have lived with a much longer list of gains: a rebuilt house, a different kind of ministry, four sons who are moving toward manhood with integrity, wisdom, love and exuberance, friends to comfort us, friends to exhort us, friends to cry with us, friends to listen, friends who remind us of the magnificence of God and His plan beyond our small understanding.  My theme for the year is: God is the author.  I am not writing the story.  I am a character and the script is not mine to write.  The good news is that I have had a glimpse of the end of the story: there is a bride and a groom at a banquet…joy unending…everything is right, just as the author intended from the beginning of the story.  And I know that this author has thoughts far beyond the greatest story that I ever imagined.  So, I choose to be a cooperative character instead of interrupting the story over and over to make suggestions on how I think the next scene ought to go.

I want to share with you some details of our past year, and then share with you the effect this has had on my heart.

First of all, I want to share that moving back into our "new" old house has been a blessing.  It is interesting to get to the other side of this event and to realize that it was not a major tragedy.  First, we lost no life.  And then we were covered by excellent insurance, and we were blessed by a friend overseeing our re-build, and the restoration and re-building company was trustworthy and did a very good job, and the things that we no longer have were not that important, and most importantly, in our time of need, we were loved and held up by a huge number of people who served us in our time of need.  And now we live in an up-to-date version of the house that we all love.  Ultimately, the loss of our house was actually counted as gain: we discovered how many people truly love us and were willing to love and serve us in our time of need. 

So, what about Nepal?  There are probably some of you who do not know that we plan to stay in Spokane for an extended period of time (maybe 3-5 years).  It was a combination of factors leading to this change.  I, Kimberly, was becoming exhausted with our globe trotting, not so much from the packing and traveling and transitioning, but from the adjustment from elder care in the U.S. to G.P. care in Nepal that included maternity and pediatric work, not to mention the strain of working in a second language (and I only seemed to recall the language in the short time we stayed there, as opposed to making actual progress in speaking better Nepali).  Then there was the strain of planning the curriculum for the kids each year, particularly with the older ones who were beginning to think about preparing for college.  I was feeling all these pressures, and then it seemed that things were shifting in Nepal, which I count as grace from God.  You see, I think that David was willing to come home for the sake of some rest for his exhausted wife (he is more of a nomad who was not ready to change our rhythm), but over our most recent time in Nepal, it became very clear to David that we were supposed to take a break.  Our Nepali partner was called to be a senior pastor at his church; what a wonderful calling!  His installation happened on the day that we were leaving Nepal.  There were many changes going on in the community in Tansen, and unfortunately, I was finding that my tolerance for ongoing change had some limits.  Then, there were the mounting number of churches that now find it too difficult to support us, so we were facing some significant financial changes.  It really seemed that there were multiple signs pointing us toward a change of pace, for a time.  So, we tentatively set that time at 3-5 years and made our transition to Spokane.

One thing that few people knew of was our ceremonial giving back to God this idea of adoption.  We had a drawing of the two girls that we thought we were being led to adopt (it was a composite of multiple dreams); we had names picked out for them; we imagined personalities that they might have.  At the ceremony, around our fire pit in our yard in Tansen, we prayed, cried and burned the drawing, claiming that we did not want anything that God does not want for us.  We were burning up all of our ideas about adoption.  We only wanted God to resurrect whatever might be His will.  We (particularly Kimberly who has had a deep desire for two daughters) found an interesting peace in this process.  We felt quite content to carry on with the work that was right before us.

This brings me to an opportunity to share with you about the ministry that I am a part of in northern Idaho.  I work for a wonderful company that goes to see the elderly in their homes, or in assisted living facilities, or in skilled nursing facilities.  We give very holistic care.  We take care of some very complicated medical needs (some patients come to us on more than 30 medications, with multiple chronic illnesses), we help family members make challenging end-of-life decisions, we provide emotional support in coping with their complex lives, we provide a loving touch for some very lonely patients, we share the good news that God has planned eternal life for those who know Him (and many of our patients are at the end of life), we pray for our patients who desire prayer support, we accept Medicare and Medicaid payment without limiting the percentage of patients with that form of payment (this means that we must do fundraisers to actually pay our bills and make ends meet, this means that we provide on-call coverage through the night without pay, and this means that we learn to check thousands of boxes and complete reams of paperwork in order to have the privilege of loving this sometimes lonely and very needy segment of our population.  The joy in this work is being encouraged by my colleagues who demonstrate to me what it looks like to be the hands and feet of Jesus in this corner of U.S. life.  I count it a privilege to work with Onsite for Seniors, and I ask you to pray for our company, as the work is not easy, and we must work within a system full of problems, and we serve a population that faces some significant suffering.

So, just as I was getting back to this work among the elderly, a college-aged girl, here in Spokane, saw our book that had been at the adoption agency for quite some time, and she chose us to adopt her baby girl, who was due in about three months.  We were thrilled.  We wondered if this might be some of the reason that we were coming home for a while.  So, we got to know this young pregnant gal, and really liked her.  We were meeting with her regularly and gradually making plans for the adoption.  Some of this preparation was to re-start lactation so that I could breastfeed this baby girl.  I was there at the home delivery of this precious, healthy little girl.  I supported the young mom in the early days after the delivery.  She decided to keep the baby until the courts made the adoption legal.  Still, we made plans to bring this baby home, and we prepared a special place for her (in our home and in our hearts).  Three weeks after her birth, our day in court was finally coming.  But, the birth dad stepped in a couple of days before the court date and said that he did not agree with the adoption.  The end.  The adoption was aborted.  

I am so thankful that this young mom and her precious daughter are surrounded by a supportive church and she is really working hard to make some better decisions for her future.  I will forever love these girls and pray for them.  And…my heart has broken wide open.  The hurt seemed to break something loose inside of me and I found myself completely confused about what I am here for.  I have longed for more children…I do not know why…and I have longed for daughters.  So, I took some time off of work.  I became a stay-at-home mom for a little while, while all of my children are in public school all day.  I had some opportunities to volunteer on some projects at their schools, but mostly I had time to grieve.  And God is sufficient for every season, including the season of grieving.  And my heart is healing.  And I see the privilege of participating in a ministry that very few people chose (holding the hands of those who are passing out of this life) .  I see that when God wants to make more room in your heart for His grace, He breaks it wide open…and expands it.

We are facing these, and other, changes in our life.  We feel a bit like we are on a walk in a mist-shrouded forest.  We keep walking but it is difficult to see where we are going.  The destination is unclear.  The path can seem a little cold and uninviting.  But Dave and I have always loved walks through the forest, and who are we to think that all days will be sunny and warm with a clear destination?  Life has many seasons and all sorts of twists and turns in the journey.  Still, God is THE AUTHOR of all things: this world, my faith, our lives and eternity.  And as for me and my household, we choose to play our part in the story, with eyes wide open to catch glimpses of the author.  As for me this year, I choose to give up the practice of trying to re-write the story; that is not for me.

Thanks for listening!

Kimberly, for the Beines

More photos from our European Adventure

the inconvenience in Copenhagen

the lovely family

Nick had trouble fitting into the car...so we shrunk him!

the star fish catcher

on the west coast of Sweden

together in Tansen... and now in Sweden

Nick had some rudder trouble.

Josh found a great tree.

the sheep in Sweden seem to be very approachable

Nate at the camp fire; is he trying to light his hair on fire?

Josh loved catching crabs...with just a piece of string and some clam bait.

Good friends!

the lovely house we stayed in, in Sweden, on the coast

It can't all be sunshine and chocolate.

We had a wonderful time meeting so many Beines in Germany.  You see, David's grandfather had two brothers.  One went to America, like he did.  The other stayed in Germany.  The brother who stayed in Germany had eight children.  The youngest of those eight is very close to David's age.  He has been coordinating our family visits and spending hours translating between English and German.  His wife keeps the boys well supplied in delectable treats; they think she is wonderful .  His nephew and wife hosted us; it is no easy task to host seven people.  They were wonderful to us.  We all enjoyed time together one evening over bratwurst and BBQ pork and chicken, plus many delicious salads.  We also got to go out to one family member's farm, complete with horses, dogs and rabbits...and delicious sweet snacks.  We got to see the showroom for doors; they have a construction business that specializes in doors.  

So, we set off this morning to begin making our way to Sweden, where we will meet our friends who used to live next to us in Tansen.  We are meeting at their cabin near the sea.  We planned to make a stop in Copenhagen, Denmark for the night.  When we got to town, the traffic was thick.  We missed one exit and found ourselves at a standstill on the highway, due to traffic.  The next moment: boom.  The car behind us did not calculate well for the stopping traffic and when the driver looked back to change lanes, she hit us.  We are fine...just a big dent in our rental car.  Her air bags deployed and her windshield was cracked.  Thankfully, neither she nor her husband were injured.  So, you see...it isn't all sunshine (which we have enjoyed for three days) and chocolates.  Anyway, we can still drive the car, so we are going to press on to Sweden and try to finish our trip.  The car company said this is okay if we feel that it is safe.  Dave and I took the car for a spin this evening; we went out to complete the detailed accident report (which went well, with the other driver assuming responsibility) and all seems fine.  We hope that the hatch closes tomorrow, when all the bags are inside.  If it doesn't, then I guess our day will be spent at the repair shop tomorrow.  Please pray for our wisdom as we respond to this inconvenience.  We are very thankful that nobody was injured.

That's the update, 

Kimberly

Random photos from Europe

Rome

Pantheon, Rome

Leaning tower of Pisa, Italy

Beine, France

Venice, Italy

Venice, Italy

Narrow passage in Venice

Loches, France

Bike ride in Lucca, Italy

Adventure!

You cannot travel Europe as a group of seven, on a shoestring budget, and not have some adventure (especially if you are a Beine, some would say).  We arrived in Venice yesterday evening, in the rain.  The guidebook said that EVERYBODY gets lost in Venice (with 117 islands, over 400 bridges, and changes that even our brand new GPS could not keep up with).  We got lost 3 times before even finding our camping accommodations.  We thought Italy would be warm in late May, so we went with the campsite (tent provided).  Last night, when the rain was coming down and the temperature was in the 50s, I wondered if I had made a mistake.  I asked for extra blankets but the place was packed and no more blankets were available.  I put on the hat that we bought in England (when we were cold) and shared Dave's cot to stay warm.  The boys put on extra clothes (and some were still cold).  Kylie did not have a roommate, so she decided at 1:00am that it was okay to take the blanket from the other bed (the midnight influx of travelers did not produce a roommate for her).

This morning, we awoke to more rain.  At least we did not awaken to a tent full of ants, like another traveler that I saw at 6 am (expressing her exasperation).  We went into town to find rain ponchos (we were not going to miss Venice for rain!) and some sleeping bags and a couple more hats.  We also decided to look for a camera.  You see, our point-and-shoot cameras that were pulled from the fire weren't working.  One boy forgot his point-and-shoot camera at our relative's house.  So, we have been sharing Nick's Canon camera and Kylie's point-and-shoot for the whole trip.  Then Nick's shutter gave out.  We tried all the tricks listed on-line.  We decided that it would be a bummer for our budding photographer not to take photos for the rest of the trip (2 weeks left), so we bought a new SLR camera (the Canon was quite old).  It took all morning, and the rain continued to fall.  We boarded the bus around noon for the center of Venice.

Then the rain let up, the sun came out, off and on, and we only needed our ponchos for short stints of drizzle.  The day was lovely.  We had a great time exploring the tiny cobblestone alleyways and canals of Venice.  Of course we crossed the Grand Canal in a gondola once!  We had a wonderful seafood/pasta lunch in a tiny cafe.  And we topped off the afternoon with a cappuccino and pastry (gelato for some) at a famous cafe called Rosa Salva.  We sat outside to enjoy the snack and soaked in the charm of Venice.  Dave did a stellar job leading us back to the bus stop on foot (no easy task!; ask to see our videos).  It was high tide and some of the customers at canal-side restaurants got wet feet as the water lapped over the edge of the canal.  Global warming?  Or has it always been this way?  We got to the bus park just in the nick of time: standing room only for the 25-minute bus ride home.  We missed the stop nearest our campsite, so our sore feet walked another 10 minutes from the next stop, and now we are taking a little rest.

So, tonight we hope to sleep a bit warmer.  We are so thankful for sleeping bags...and for the sun today...and for the camera--more great pictures to come.  Tomorrow, we take a drive through Austria and then go to the Romantic Road of Bavaria, Germany.  We are headed (over a couple of days) to the area that the Beines come from (Stukenbrock, Germany).  We look forward to a little rest as we get acquainted with extended family.

Ciao from the Beines + Kylie!